I've been a bit paralyzed around writing lately. I'm having all the thoughts and feelings, as always, but finding it difficult to articulate.
Being Gemini season, I'm going to embrace the contradicting feelings I have and work to find that balance, that reality, that peace and calm.
New York City is at once so freeing, filled with endless opportunity and weird shit just waiting there, and at the same time is intensely inhibiting. People are quick to judge, always with one eye looking for the next best thing. Space is limited, constricted. As a woman in this patriarchal society, I am expected to take up as little space as possible. As a considerate human in this jam-packed city, I try to be respectful of others and not take up too much space. But my limbs are getting creaks and cracks and just want to be stretched out and wild and free. Finding peace and the chance to be feral is a challenge in this city.
Connections and relationships feel bittersweet - supportive/sustaining and disheartening all at once. I'm still buzzing with the excitement and possibility of new connections, but also feel burnt by the unavoidable high-school-cafeteria-politics that seem inescapable even this far into adulthood. I'm trying not to let chest-tightening anxiety of large social events come back, and making sure I stay present in this time and place and leave the baggage of the past behind.
Feminist and queer communities are inspiring and devastating. There's so much passion and general radical badass-ness in these magical little niches away from the mainstream that feed me, push me. Bravery, courage, strength, care, is being exhibited by each of us. But then I see so much that we should be ashamed of. Mistreatment of others, replication of hegemonic hierarchies, lack of empathy or perspective, insecurity, and just not enough self-awareness.
But with all of that comes the reality, which is always nuanced and complicated and shifting, never static. What can we can we do but work on being flexible, ready to jump into it, able to bust through the twist that inevitably comes.
30 to 31 has been huge. So much is so different and I'm beyond grateful that I've had another year of experiences, things that made me learn (whether I wanted to or not), things that set my heart ablaze. I don't have any clear answers, still. But I know loving and being brave and feeling and connecting are the most important things, so I'm just going to keep it at that.
Thank you for this. I am an almost-30 air sign femme who is feeling a similar battle with unanswered questions and trying to grapple with the complicated and hurtful baggage of past loves and friendships. (And still trying to maintain some sense of politics towards all things...*bigger*...than my personal shit). It's a lot. I was introduced to your blog by Lacy Davis and I'm so glad to have found another kindred femme spirit.
ReplyDeleteHi Raechel! Thanks so much for reading and comment. It seriously means a lot and connecting with other thoughtful sensitive femmes nourishes my heart. I anticipate these battles and questions will continue throughout life, but I am striving for some kind of focus and clarity and just figuring out realistic options. Keeping my ethics and political beliefs involved is another layer, and it can just make existence feel heavy. BUT carving out spaces for ourselves, and reflecting with gratitude on what we've learned each year of life helps keep up the motivation. :)a
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